Meer woorden, meer verhalen, meer dromen, meer eva, meer leven vind je op Vixero.

Come and get me. 

Daar ben ik weer. Terug. Soort van.

Maar voor we over gaan op de orde van de dagen moet ik iets doen aan de onrust die mijn tenen laat wiebelen in een poging evenwicht te vinden. 

Er zit iets scheef.

En mijn blog is xe9xe9n van die dingen. 

Dus, lieve volgers en toevallige lezers: wat zouden jullie graag anders zien, meer lezen, onveranderd houden, vooral weglaten? Ik heb zelf allerlei ideexebn, zowel goed als ongetwijfeld tenenkrommend slecht, maar ik sta open voor suggesties en ander commentaar

Over een paar uur rijden we richting mijn ouders om vanaf daar via Duitsland en Zwitserland naar Italixeb te rijden. Ik kan niet wachten! 

Ik ken het van mezelf, die behoefte om weg te gaan van alles en iedereen, te vluchten. Maar waar ik een paar jaar geleden vaak hoopte weg te vluchten van mezelf – en altijd gedesillusioneerd terugkeerde – is het nu precies andersom. 

Ik mis mij. 
Mijn hoofd draait hier overuren, er gebeurt teveel, er is te weinig tijd en ik vergeet mezelf. De komende twee weken heb ik alle tijd van de wereld om te doen wat ik wil en daarnaast tijd te besteden aan m'n lief en m'n familie. 

Over twee weken ben ik terug, misschien met spannende verhalen, misschien met slechts xe9xe9n mededeling: "het was fijn, er was rust". Tot dan!

.. there's bound to appear a blog about it. At least, in case it was worth writing about.

And it sure was.

A couple of days ago I met up with Genesis and Girl Abroad. Genesis I had met before, Girl Abroad was the new girl in town – yet didn't feel new at all. She was just as I'd expected and the minute I stepped into her car, the tension I had felt, disappeared. I'm always a bit scared when I'm meeting new people; will we like each other? Will we have something to talk about? Doesn't my hair look like shit?

But the half hour talk I had with Genesis and GA on the phone already took a lot of tension away and when I finally got into their car we started talking pretty much rightaway. We planned to have a picknick somewhere in a park downtown, but traffic sucked big time and GA decided she was going to hit the highway and get off when she felt like it.

So we did. While discussing the big issues of life (feminism in relation to vampires, asos dresses) we drove around, looking for a nice place to continue our talks.

We ended up somewhere in the middle of nowhere and sat down in the grass by the waterside. GA brought lots of delicious food and a bottle of prosecco, Genesis and I brought, well, ourselves and the promise of taking care of the food next time.

I can go on telling you what we did, but I guess it wouldn't be that interesting to you. It was one of those 'you had to be there' evenings. Because nothing special happened, and that's why I liked it so much. We chatted about our lives, loves, exes, exercising, blogging, sex, our next date and other big words and small talk. We watched the sun go down and the sky turn a warm shade of red. 

When we got cold, we got back into the car and drove back to the station. And here's the moment I realized I was very happy: we sang. The three of us were at first humming to some song on the radio, but when GA turned up the volume, we just sang out loud.

"You don't know what you mean to me" – well, that evening meant a lot to me. I got to spend an evening with new friends in total relaxation, no pretense, no tension, no uncomfortable silences. 

It sure was one peaceful evening. To even up the score, next time we're going to trash the city and misbehave.

I try not to think of you. Not to imagine how lonely you must've been when you made that decision, when you took those pills, when life seeped out of you. I try not to wonder what your last thoughts were, if you send a last message into the world, if you felt peace. I hope you did. Imagining the possibility that you hesitated, all of a sudden were no longer sure of your decision, yet knowing there was already no way back – that's beyond bearable. 

 So I don't. I carry you in my heart and my love goes out to those who were so much closer to you. You really left a hole in their lives, so I've gxf3t to believe this is what you really wanted. You never would've caused this pain if you'd thought there was another way. You always cared so much, for everyone who was worthy of your time. And in your opinion: so many were. That's how I want to remember you. I want to remember you smiling, laughing, looking for the joys in your life. 

 That's why I'm trying not to feel guilty for going on living mine. For spending the weekend with my most beloved friends and family, chasing my cousins and hugging my boyfriend. For not thinking of you 24/7. 

 But when I lay myself to rest and my eyes close, you're there. Not always you, sometimes just death in general. I dream of funerals, of abandonment, of your dead body in a coffin, of the earth falling apart. Sometimes I don't remember what haunted me; I just wake up feeling empty and exhausted. 

So I guess I'm grieving after all.

"Lief 

(ik aap je even na) 

Je bent amazing. 

Om het feit dat je zulke prachtige zinnen weet te formuleren die me raken. Omdat je daarom ook precies de dingen kan zeggen/schrijven die je soms nodig hebt om even te horen. Omdat je zo'n beeldige keukenprinces bent, die haar mooie frisse hoofd tegen mijn keukenkastjes zou stoten. omdat ik proef hoe je zorg besteed aan lekkers en daarmee aan de mensen om je heen. omdat je me leert om te genieten. omdat je zo'n super uitstraling hebt, en stiekem iets heel stouts en rebels over je hebt. een volwassen vrouw en toch een ondeugend meisje die samen met mij giechelend in de bosjes zit.  

Je humor aanstekelijk is en inspireert. "

Vanavond kreeg ik te horen dat xe9xe9n van de meest pure, echte en dappere meisjes die ik ken, is overleden. Bij gebrek aan eigen woorden, gebruik ik die van Wende maar.. 

Hey, are you okay?Do you feel safe?Is there something we forgot to say?And does it matter anyway?All I know is that I really would have loved to tell youAbout the things I did todayWhere did you go?Itx92s just a silly question,But still, Ix92d like to knowGuess I will never understand or see it throughAll I know is that I really would have liked  to spend this lonely day withHey, are you okay?Ix92m so sorry about the things wex92ll never get to sayBut hey, we never talked much anywayAll I know is that I loved being around youAnd how much I have been missing you today

Bikini that gives the support I'm looking for, for playing around with my cousins in the pool.

Strapless bra. Quite expensive but I've been searching one forever and none ever gave me the right amount of support. I don't like the whole FREEYOURBREASTS-idea for cup sizes B+.

Dress, inappropriate for work (way too short), yet perfect for a walk on the beach.

For when I want to dress up and use my feminine side on the waiter.

Don't think I need to explain this, do I? My boyfriend's a bit intimidated because I'm almost taller than he is in these shoes, but their awesomeness makes up for it. And: imagine how perfect they'd match with the one shoulder dress?

Ik zal jullie mijn dagprogramma voor deze weken besparen, maar het komt er op neer dat ik amper thuis ben geweest. En ook nu vertrek ik over een kwartiertje al weer.

Boot varen, wijn drinken, olijven eten, smachten naar ijs en bikini-bruin.

Sorry pap, ik weet dat je op meer blogs wacht, maar de zomer wacht niet op me.

I'd like to share some thoughts with you. On how to handle me and, more importantly, how nxf3t to behave when around me.

First of all, lying's not a good thing. I can tell when you lie. And when I allow myself to believe you, just because I want to so badly, you're in even bigger trouble. Because as soon as you slip and the facade falls away, I'm hurt. And when I'm hurt, I'm vicious. 'Wanting-to-destroy-your-everything'-vicious.

On that note: yes I know, I know, I can look utterly cute. I swing my blonde curls, close my eyes while humming to a song with a vague smile, rock my body to the music and look innocent. If I feel safe.
However, I'm also very very tall and heavier than you, so physically I can take you on any minute. But that's not my secret weapon (the fact that I'm not petite can hardly be kept a secret after all). What you seem to be unaware of is the fact what a bitch I can be and will be if you won't stop spilling all your pathetic behavior on me.
You let me in, just like I let you in. The difference is that my walls are double layered. You might have gotten through the first, but the door to my very being is still closed while I'm staring at your pounding heart as we speak. And my words are like claws that can rip it out at my command.

Final comment: I thought you were like me. Sometimes a little too honest, yet always real. If you feel like you can no longer show yourself to me for who you really are, if you don't wxe1nt me in anymore, that's fine. Just say the words and I'm gone. Because the charade you're putting up right now, the person you want me to believe you are – I'm not buying it. Keep up the bullshit for as long as you like, but don't expect me to stay to watch the end of your show.

I already know how it ends. It ends with me doing the most devestating thing I could do to you: walking away.